John's Journal re Sam's departure
Apr. 2nd, 2009 07:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fannishlissI was over at Samidha's lj and we were talking about samndean and how Sam's leaving is portrayed in the Journal. So here is the stuff I copied out of the Journal that pertains.
ok, I have the world's most baffling super power, and it's that I can TURN RIGHT TO THE PAGE. (seriously, I think it would be much more useful to be The Shoveller.)
Anyway.
So I opened the journal to page 188 and read the March 9, 2002, entry.
Key sentence #1, "I think Dean would have taken a swing at him if I hadn't kept my cool. Barely."
and #2,
"Dean always responded to discipline because he believed in the mission."
So I love that John thinks he kept his cool by telling Sammy to stay gone!! I love John, but he is a wackjob. "I've protected Sammy his whole life, and so has Dean. ... And now he's going to college? He can go to hell, is where he can go." Oh, John. Seriously, you're supposed to be the adult.
and last, but not least, the too late John remorse of page 192: "August 31. Sam left. I told him that if he was going, it was permanent. And I meant it."
and then of course! "November 2. ... Sam's gone because he's headstrong... Now Dean tells me he's cut off contact with Sam, and it's killing me. I can't stand the idea of the boys separated. It's one thing for me to take a stand. I'm the father... Now I'm questioning myself. Brothers have to stick together."
JOHN! Really, what did he think Dean would do. I can really feel Dean's fury in this sparse little report-- that Sam is getting out, leaving them, leaving Dean. You know, life for Dean has been a series of concessions. I'm sure Sam would never ask, and never wanted Dean to make all the choices he's made in life.... but Dean always chooses what's best for Sam over what's best for himself..... Dean has tried to find pride in his vocation as a Hunter, but it's hard, isn't it-- destructive, nomadic, very little thanks, and always on the wrong side of the Law. Dean is so my Hero: "ROVER, WANDERER, NOMAD, VAGABOND, call me what you will!!"
It does kill me a little how the journal shows Dean definitely being the one who cuts off contact at the beginning of Sam's freshman year.... tho we get very little of WHY except John's reiteration that Sam should stay gone. I guess Dean is trying to heal that awful amputation as clean as he can. I feel for Sam having to make it at Stanford without anyone to rely on but himself. This is not a scenario where you can really buy Dean driving him to the bus station or leaving the fat wad of cash in his duffel.
But then, you know, Dean does call Sam on his birthday that year, so if Dean said he was cutting off contact, he at least broke down and they talked on Sam's birthday, May 2, 2003 (page 194). It's also the day John notices that Dean is really bummed after hanging out with that reporter girl the last few weeks. Oh Dean! You can try and replace your brother, but it's not going to work. So sad.
John reports on page 196 that he's "been through Palo Alto half a dozen times in the past year" and that he's checking to make sure nothing's happening that shouldn't be. He reports on Sam's next birthday, age 21 in May 2, 2004, page 198, that Sam's got a new girlfriend. John, you stubborn thing. You should totally acknowledge where Sammy gets his headstrong nature.
on page 206, John says something very interesting : "I swear by the time Sam is 26, this will all be over." Doesn't Sam turn 26 this year? Hm.
ok, I have the world's most baffling super power, and it's that I can TURN RIGHT TO THE PAGE. (seriously, I think it would be much more useful to be The Shoveller.)
Anyway.
So I opened the journal to page 188 and read the March 9, 2002, entry.
Key sentence #1, "I think Dean would have taken a swing at him if I hadn't kept my cool. Barely."
and #2,
"Dean always responded to discipline because he believed in the mission."
So I love that John thinks he kept his cool by telling Sammy to stay gone!! I love John, but he is a wackjob. "I've protected Sammy his whole life, and so has Dean. ... And now he's going to college? He can go to hell, is where he can go." Oh, John. Seriously, you're supposed to be the adult.
and last, but not least, the too late John remorse of page 192: "August 31. Sam left. I told him that if he was going, it was permanent. And I meant it."
and then of course! "November 2. ... Sam's gone because he's headstrong... Now Dean tells me he's cut off contact with Sam, and it's killing me. I can't stand the idea of the boys separated. It's one thing for me to take a stand. I'm the father... Now I'm questioning myself. Brothers have to stick together."
JOHN! Really, what did he think Dean would do. I can really feel Dean's fury in this sparse little report-- that Sam is getting out, leaving them, leaving Dean. You know, life for Dean has been a series of concessions. I'm sure Sam would never ask, and never wanted Dean to make all the choices he's made in life.... but Dean always chooses what's best for Sam over what's best for himself..... Dean has tried to find pride in his vocation as a Hunter, but it's hard, isn't it-- destructive, nomadic, very little thanks, and always on the wrong side of the Law. Dean is so my Hero: "ROVER, WANDERER, NOMAD, VAGABOND, call me what you will!!"
It does kill me a little how the journal shows Dean definitely being the one who cuts off contact at the beginning of Sam's freshman year.... tho we get very little of WHY except John's reiteration that Sam should stay gone. I guess Dean is trying to heal that awful amputation as clean as he can. I feel for Sam having to make it at Stanford without anyone to rely on but himself. This is not a scenario where you can really buy Dean driving him to the bus station or leaving the fat wad of cash in his duffel.
But then, you know, Dean does call Sam on his birthday that year, so if Dean said he was cutting off contact, he at least broke down and they talked on Sam's birthday, May 2, 2003 (page 194). It's also the day John notices that Dean is really bummed after hanging out with that reporter girl the last few weeks. Oh Dean! You can try and replace your brother, but it's not going to work. So sad.
John reports on page 196 that he's "been through Palo Alto half a dozen times in the past year" and that he's checking to make sure nothing's happening that shouldn't be. He reports on Sam's next birthday, age 21 in May 2, 2004, page 198, that Sam's got a new girlfriend. John, you stubborn thing. You should totally acknowledge where Sammy gets his headstrong nature.
on page 206, John says something very interesting : "I swear by the time Sam is 26, this will all be over." Doesn't Sam turn 26 this year? Hm.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-03 08:52 pm (UTC)I love Dean, I could read him as a dom -- you could point me toward your faves in that score.... :) Still, he looks like he could really enjoy a good beating... I kept thinking early s4 that he REALLY needed a good professional to break him down and tell him he is good enough -- you know? THEN THEY ACTUALLY WENT THERE (almost) and there was disappointingly little fic!!! oh well.
But I could definitely see him topping Sam if he thought Sam really needed it.... :)
Oh god, though, Dean and Sam, separated... uuuuuuurg.
Regarding the relationship dynamics we were discussing, I am thinking more and more about you being right... however I still think it goes both ways, particularly when it really counts... I dunno. These things are complex. But... I do thnk that my big bang is pretty much a direct response to the journal--well as much as it can be considering that I started it last June.... but yeah, it is very much a 'certain of these canonical things hurt my brain, so I am trying to fix them... Pity the boys won't really let me' fic.