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fannishlissTitle: "not the burnt and broken"
spoilers: for 5.22
words: 1,135
rated R
warning: I like her, and I'm willing to argue. :P
disclaimer: Kripke did it, and I'm just interpolating.
Summary: Dean had always known it ended sad, or bloody. He never realized how much he was counting on bloody. Or, you know, dead.
~*o*~
Dean had always known it ended sad, or bloody.
He never realized how much he was counting on bloody.
Or, you know, dead.
He remembered, as though through the warped reality of high fever, kneeling there alone in the parched grass of Stull Cemetery.
He remembered Castiel's words and how they'd circled and chimed their way around inside his head, like a mob of angry sparrows:
You are not the burnt and broken shell of a man that I believed you to be.
You are not the burnt and broken shell of a man that I believed you to be.
You are not the burnt and broken shell of a man that I believed you to be.
Then, looking up, he felt Castiel's cool fingers on his forehead, felt the pounding wretchedness of the swollen flesh and broken bones of his body drain away, as Castiel knit him back together in one kind and terribly unkind instant. Again. Pulling him up from perdition, to leave him again, in perdition.
Lost. Alone.
He'd been a while at Bobby's. It wasn't like Bobby needed him there. In fact, just the opposite. Bobby didn't like to see Dean drink alone, and Dean soon realized, with the quantity of Turkey they were consuming, that he was doing more to cement Bobby's reputation as the town drunk of Sioux Falls than decades of Bobby acting out "guilty, mourning, paranoid recluse" had done.
So Dean pulled himself back together. He shared a final bucket of chicken with the only man left alive that loved him like family, and he drove from South Dakota to Indiana.
Like a bat out of hell, it would have been a twelve-hour drive.
It took him a week.
The first day, as he pulled away from the junkyard, his eyes were burning, his chest was tight, and he had in the AC/DC, but "Back in Black" just didn't sit right. He jammed the stereo off.
He drove through a haze of tears until the sobs starting tearing him open. He pulled off the two lane road into some old farmer's pasture, weeds high and gate open. The Impala idled around him as he lay across the steering wheel, gasping for breath, groaning out his pain like a newbie on the rack. Eventually he turned off the ignition, and just let himself fall sideways into the shotgun. Pressing his check against the leather where Sam would never, ever, sit again, he just howled into the empty, deafening silence, until his throat was raw and his stomach felt like he'd done a John number of situps. Eventually his tears hollowed out. He stopped crying.
You are not the burnt and broken shell of a man that I believed you to be.
Yeah, right, he thought, because all this triumph that we saved the world makes me feel so much better.
Finally the urgent need to piss drove him out of the car-- just far enough to relieve himself into the grass.
The sunlight gleamed off her paint job, and he remembered again how Sammy had stared into the car like he was seeing the ghost of their mother. It wasn't even a misery that he'd never know how Sammy had grabbed the reins. He could feel a low stir of duty satisfied, that he'd been there for Sam, when Sam stood up and saved the world from the train wreck Dean had started when he sold his soul. Been there, done that. Literally, nothing left to lose. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Dean got back in the car.
You are not ...
Dean flipped the tape and reversed it to the beginning. Dark bells tolled. That was more like it.
Dean got back on the highway and made it to some little town across the line in Minnesota, where the bar had a pool table and was staggering distance from a room where Dean never even flipped the light on, never laid a salt line, just passed out face down on the bed.
His eyes snapped open at 3 am as usual, head pounding. He rolled over, used to maintaining his shuffle on a bare four hours. Nowhere to be, nobody to be it with... not the burnt and broken ...
The television filled the silence at least. Televangelists, infomercials. Thank God they'd save the world for humanity, right, Sammy? Dean selected the porn, filled the room with the formulaic chanting of yes, yes, oh God, do it, the slapping of flesh against flesh. It was enough to carry him dull until dawn.
A little diner had surprisingly good coffee and they were generous with the bacon. Dean focused on every bite, chewing, tasting; the salt and burn of the bacon let him know he had made it through one more darkness. He drank four cups of coffee and drove across another day.
There were a surprising number of dive bars in the vicinity of Peoria, the town where they'd found Ava's boyfriend torn to pieces, her diamond on the floor. He spent a few nights there vampire, doubling his stake from dive to dive and sleeping the days away.
He knew he was good, but by the time he was up several thousand, he began to question the breaks, the way the cue ball stopped just so, the way his marks just scratched their heads and walked away from their money. In his room the last night, he yelled for Cas, demanding to know if he was being paid off, but he got no answer.
Before he left Peoria, he drove to the pound and dropped a couple hundred into the collection box. You are not said Castiel, and he tried to picture the kid and the dog the money might bring together.
It was only a few hours from Peoria to Cicero. He was showered, shaven, and sober when he knocked on Lisa's door.
Despite all she'd said, he couldn't be sure of his welcome. He struggled with himself, there on her threshold. This wasn't what he deserved, and he sure as hell wasn't what she deserved. Every fiber of his being longed for Sammy or for death. There was nothing left inside him for a generous, loving woman, the only woman who had ever acknowledged him as a Hunter, seen through the facade to the truth of him, and still wanted him to stick around.
She opened the door.
He babbled something and practically fell into her arms, desperate to feel something, his heart pounding like it was going to burst out of his chest, his breathing rough as she held him.
Her arms were strong. He could feel how relieved she was to see him again, even as her compassionate murmurs filled his ears.
Breathing into Lisa's embrace, he swore he'd do his damnedest not to hurt her, and wondered how badly he'd fail.
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no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 02:55 pm (UTC)On another tangent - what's your take on the "peace vs freedom" statement????
no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 03:18 pm (UTC)Long time ago I came across an interesting critical/theoretical discussion about how Star Wars, ostensibly a fable of personal growth and freedom against tyranny, had been used during the Reagan era to support the arms race -- as though America were still a ragtag band of rebels just as in 1776. This line on Peace or Freedom invokes the rhetoric from the last ten years of our history-- all about sacrificing peace in the interest of "freedom" -- so in that sense I don't like it. Considering how prominent the Flag has been in the last two seasons, congruent with the appearance of Heaven and its Angels, I think that we are challenged to understand Sam and Dean as two warriors honorbound to question the orders that Generals like Michael, Zacharaiah, Lucifer, and Azazel, try to make them carry out. SPN has a series of interlocked definitions of masculinity, heroism and patriotism -- but they don't perfectly overlap. To cut it short, I'm trying to see the Peace or Freedom line in the context of the whole show -- not as a simple dichotomy, but as two interlocking, overlapping concepts that have to be simultaneously invoked. Dean wants Peace AND Freedom -- he wants to be able to choose his own path and also to be able to live with his decisions. The US had the freedom not to declare war on Iraq, but they chose war. Lucifer asked Michael why they had to fight, but Michael refused to choose Peace.
I think Show has been an attempt to talk about war from the pov of the footsoldier who signed up in a good faith willingness to protect his home and homeland -- and then got shoved around like a pawn on a gameboard. I'm still working on it.
Here, have our boys peacefully cuddling. They still have s6 to get there!!! THANK GOODNESS
no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 03:52 pm (UTC)Regarding peace vs freedom...
In college, I took a religious studies course, and one thing we discussed was the very Protestant idea of freedom vs destiny, and how for some Protestants freedom was the idea that people choose faith, choose to be good and spend all their lives constantly having to think/choose as best they can to be good. That God gave us free will, because otherwise we couldn't ever truly be good. However, it's not a very peaceful life to be constantly tested, to be forced to choose repeatedly. Ultimately it was Sam&Dean's path, though.
And at the same time, for other Protestants, faith is something that takes away choice. Faith is peaceful because there is no choice, no freedom to constantly have to choose your own path as best you can. A lot of evangelical churches base their ideas on peace because it's all been spelled out and they don't have to have freedom forced on them. Peace = freedom from choice. This in the angel's path, Michael's specifically.
So I don't think SPN was discussing the US or war at all, I think they were addressing what faith looks like in the US culture today, and the social battles being raged along the peace vs freedom line.
Just one stranger's opinion. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 04:11 pm (UTC)As much as I admire Lisa for her open heart, and Dean for being willing to take the chance, I think that scene of him at the dinner table with the very strong drink does not bode well for them AT ALL. I believe very strongly that two people can meet up and a very intense weekend can be all it takes to show how compatible they can be. I met my husband over a weekend like that in 1987!! And like Dean, I didn't put my hooks in right then... but I certainly marked him down as "one to remember." There are not many women who would take a chance on a guy as messed up as Dean, but she sees to his heart, she acknowledges his innate goodness, despite his depression, his alcoholism, and his clearly suicidal tendencies. I hope she has a rod of iron in her spine to help prop him up. .... I like to think that he took the chance with Cassie, remembering how he didn't take it originally with Lisa, and that he went back to Lisa remembering the way they had connected. I do feel bad for her. But let's see how it plays out next season!
Re the tangent, you're certainly right that the history of protestantism has a lot to say about Free Will vs. Predestination (I used to be a Presbyterian, and I had to learn the theology of predestination as a teenager!!)... and certainly, it is a good call to point out how peace over-rides choice in some kinds of fundamentalism. But I also think this aspect of US religion is just one part of Show's central investigation of the American myth of masculinity--- and what "a man's duty to his country" means is deeply, deeply important in that conversation, and on the Show. It's no accident that John was a Marine in Vietnam -- they had to seriously tweak the timeline for that to work out.
cheers, and thanks again for your comment!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 04:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 05:30 pm (UTC)I'm speechless.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 06:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-15 01:48 am (UTC)Thank you. Still aching, here. *clings*
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Date: 2010-05-15 12:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-15 02:44 am (UTC)I needed this. Boy howdy, did I ever.
Well done.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-15 12:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-16 12:35 am (UTC)Your writing is so poetic, it's very soothing. And, in this case, optimistic. So, yes, it helped!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-20 05:48 am (UTC)And so lovely.
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Date: 2010-05-20 02:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-20 07:45 pm (UTC)And you give us a little hope...
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Date: 2010-05-24 03:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-24 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-24 03:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-06 09:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-12 05:54 am (UTC)Ooof. Damn, that's good. Hard, but good.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-12 08:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-13 01:48 pm (UTC)This wasn't what he deserved, and he sure as hell wasn't what she deserved. Every fiber of his being longed for Sammy or for death. There was nothing left inside him for a generous, loving woman, the only woman who had ever acknowledged him as a Hunter, seen through the facade to the truth of him, and still wanted him to stick around.
Breathing into Lisa's embrace, he swore he'd do his damnedest not to hurt her, and wondered how badly he'd fail.
Dean does deserve that apple pie life. He has sacrificed so much...been through so much. But Dean will never recognize that. However, he is right that he's not what Lisa deserves. She's a good woman who deserves a man who can put her and Ben first. Dean can't do that. He wants to, but Sam will always come first. That's why Sam and Dean can't have healthy relationships. The woman would never come first for either of them. If Sam had simply died maybe it would be different...maybe Dean would be able to move on at some point. But Sam's in Hell...and it's all Dean will ever be able to think about
no subject
Date: 2010-06-14 05:40 pm (UTC)Dean is in so much pain right now, but one thing about Dean -- he somehow manages to keep going even when things are so bleak he can't imagine how he'll make it. Sometimes he makes poor choices -- but he's a survivor. In a way, that's his curse!
Right now, Sam is dead and in hell and he's not coming back -- that's reality as Dean knows it. I have to think that despite the horror and heartbreak in Dean's heart, that he will undergo a mourning process. He doesn't see any way to get Sam back, and the one thing Sam asked of him was to go to Lisa and try for normal.
I have to imagine that's what he'll do, even though it hurts like hell. D:
no subject
Date: 2010-09-07 10:26 pm (UTC)This was perfect in so many ways. You're making me seriously like Lisa :)
no subject
Date: 2010-09-08 12:54 am (UTC)thanks for your comment!
no subject
Date: 2011-09-15 03:32 pm (UTC)This was beautiful; I love the way you use Castiel's line--like a mantra, or a ripple. Water against sand. Everything is just so on the surface here, and Lisa. Lisa. Very very gorgeous work. I love this. <3
no subject
Date: 2011-09-15 04:04 pm (UTC)Lisa is so good to Dean. This is my icon for this series. I'm very cross that her mind is currently wiped. I read a great story where the holes in her memory prompt her to become a Hunter and I'm like, that is so the Fate of Dean, that it backfires on him (and on her) like that.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-15 05:25 pm (UTC)The end to 6x21 killed me. Going in, I was so, so afraid that she might die but I think she may have gotten a fate worse than death, not having those memories, that time. ):